Scared

Today I am 37 weeks. I have only three weeks left. That means that in a month's time I will have a newborn in my arms that I am responsible for. I am starting to get scared.

When I first found out I was pregnant I was thrilled! There is a little human being growing inside of me. A little Teeny or Stevy! What an unbelievable feeling!

But then I started worrying about how we were going to be able to take care of this baby. I was working, Stephen had an okay job, but was not earning what I was earning. Would I have to work after this baby was born? Would I have to be a working mom to support my family? Then, the Lord blessed Stephen with an amazing job where he is doing what he loves, has good pay, and insurance. My worries were over.

Then I wondered how my pregnancy would be. Luckily, it has been very easy. I have worked, and taught after school classes with no problems at all. I have been blessed.

Next worry was labor and delivery. Will my body be able to deliver a healthy baby boy? Can I last a long labor? Will I be able to manage the pain without drugs? (I want to go natural) I still don't know. I do know that I will have qualified and trained nurses, my doctor, and Stephen to help me through it. They have been through this process many times before, and I know they will help me through the unknown.

Now, I worry about when this baby comes home. There will be no doctor, nurse, or guide to tell me how to raise my child. On Friday Stephen and I baby-sat his nieces while Stephen's brother and his wife went to the temple. They have two toddlers, and a seven month old. The two older girls were great. We played, and had fun. The little one cried a lot, missing her mom. I felt helpless. I didn't know how to make her stop. I tried many things, which would work for awhile, but eventually she would start crying again.

I realize that this baby isn't mine, and most likely will be different when it's mine, but what if it's not? What if I don't know what to do to calm this baby? What if we don't attach? What if I do something to mess this kid up? It is all so scary, and unknown. I want to be the best mother I can. I just wish I could do some sort of preparation for when this little one is home.